Jokes for Kids That are Really Funny in English In Hindi To Tell In Urdu Knock Knock Tagalog : Clean Jokes Jokes for Kids That are Really Funny in English In Hindi To Tell In Urdu Knock Knock Tagalog

Clean Jokes Biography :

Source:- Google.com.pk
There are a variety of clean jokes . The examples of some are as follows
Funny Historical Facts, Jokes, Trivia and Fun Funny History Jokes
Aristotle felt that laughter was a distinctive trait of humanity and one that distinguished humans from the animals.
Harty Tarty
Did you know that the eighth Duke of Devonshire, known to his friends as "Harty Tarty", was told off by Queen Victoria for picking his nose at dinner. A poor shot, he once killed a pheasant and his gun-dog, and wounded two bystanders [one of whom was his chef] with a single cartridge.
Cunning Balduf
Baldulf, the medieval soothsayer, prophesied to the king that his favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the soothsayer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Baldulf and commanded him, 'Tell me when you will die!'
Baldulf realized that the king was planning to execute him straightaway, no matter what answer he gave. 'I do not know when I will die,' he cleverly answered finally. 'I only know that whenever I do die, you will die two days later.'
Our Top Ten Hilarious, Funny, Witty and Short Jokes from History
The Philgelos or "Laughter-lover" is probably the oldest compilation of jokes in existence; it contains some 265 jokes. It is said that the famous Monty Python Parrot sketch has its origins in a joke told in the Philogelos.
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights.
It appears that shortest war on record was between Zanzibar and Britain in 1896. Zanzibar [now part of Tanzania] surrendered after 38 minutes.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and Ark lights
Which English King invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
I'm desperately trying to establish why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Last words from a general in the American Civil War, 'Nonsense.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...............'
Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied, 'In silence.' [From the Philogelos]
What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood. [The Victorians enjoyed jokes like this one]
Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said, 'I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.' - Dated to the *Philogelos 4th Century CE]
One that almost got away:
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change.
Six Further Examples from The Laughter-lover - [Philgelos]
An intellectual, falling sick, had promised to pay the doctor if he recovered. When his wife nagged at him for drinking wine while he had a fever, he said, 'Do you want me to get healthy and be forced to pay the doctor?'
An intellectual caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The intellectual expressed his amazement: 'How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!'
An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had "departed", the intellectual replied: 'When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?'
A glutton betrothed his daughter to another glutton. Asked what he was giving her as a dowry, he replied: 'A house whose windows face the bakery.'
Funny History JokesWhile a misogynist was paying his last respects to his wife, someone asked him: 'Who has gone to rest? He replied: 'Me, now that I'm alone.'
A barber, an absent minded professor and a bald man go on a long journey together and have to camp out overnight so they decide to take it in turns to watch the luggage. The barber volunteers for the first watch while the other two sleep but soon gets bored so he decides to pass the time by shaving the professor's head. When his shift is up he wakes the professor who pats his head and exclaims, 'God, that barber is a real idiot, he's woken up baldy instead of me.'
Guy's Favourite History Funny
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede*. They gather around the Robin, the guide, who explains, 'This is the spot where the Barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'
A fellow at the front of the group asks, 'When did that happen?'
'1215,' answers Robin the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee, hey everybody - we just missed it by a half hour.'
Footnote:
The Runneymede meadows are on the banks of the river Thames, in the county of Berkshire, England. Fortunately, the land is now owned and preserved by the National Trust.
Another True Story of an American Tourist
Mary Pembarthy, a guide at Windsor Castle, told Will and Guy this allegedly true story about what she heard last month when 'on duty'.
Mary was struggling to make herself heard over the roar of low flying aircraft coming into land at nearby London Heathrow Airport, one of the busiest in the world.
She was interrupted by an elderly American tourist who demanded what was wrong with the town planners, and why had they built the Royal Castle so close to the airport.
The Ministry Of Mirth - A Government Agency Funny Historical Jokes
You may be further amused to learn that in 1953 Australia created Ministry of Mirth as part of their government structure. Their role was to find humour in the changes brought about by government and present that information to the public in an amusing and acceptable way.
We have managed to find an old photo of the Ministry of Mirth at work. Don't they look happy?
Short, True, Funny Story from 19th Century London
Robert Devonshire, a middle aged Londoner from Hackney, was faced with a difficult decision when choosing between two lovely ladies, Anna and Mary, both willing to join him in matrimony.
Although not particularly a religious man, Robert Devonshire found his way into St Martin's church and, kneeling down to pray, he asked God for advice on whether he should have Anna or Maria for his wife.
When Mr Devonshire got up he was most pleased to see that the Almighty had put the answer right before his eyes: 'Ave Maria.'
He left the church a delighted man.
A Witty and Funny Old Joke from a History Lesson in the USAFunny History Jokes
In an American history discussion group, Professor Langer was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. 'For example, he said, 'take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five-feet, one-inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?'
The class fell silent for a moment.
Then Freddie piped up, 'Not very well.'
'Why is that?' asked Professor Langer.
'For one thing,' Freddie added, 'She'd be way too old.'
Five Hilarious, Short, and Funny History Exam Answers by Children
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. Lost Dog
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. he wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the visitor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greek were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Ten Hilarious, Clever, Funnies: Mothers In History
Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling? Stone age humour
Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.
Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?
George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.
Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?
An extra laugh for posterity: Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.
Witty 'Punch' History Cartoon
Astronomy: Funny Clean Jokes and Stories Relativity Joke
While living on Earth might be expensive, at least we get a free trip around the Sun every year.
Will and Guy think that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve, 'Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you.'
Five, Fascinating and Fun Astronomical Facts
The Sun is 4.5 billion years old and produces 383 billion trillion kilowatts of energy.
The Moon is the only non-Earth object upon which a man has walked.
Depending upon how hot the white dwarf star is, its colour varies from blue, white, yellow, or red.
According to scientists, in around 5 billion years, a day on Earth will be 48 hours long and somewhere during that time the Sun will explode.
The lightning in the sky is nearly 3 times hotter than the Sun.
Student Writes Home
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, DadRelativity Joke
Einstein's Favourite Limerick
There was an old lady called Whyte
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
Ten Little Known Facts About Relativity
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
Moving midgets are shortened.
Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Laws of Funny Feline Physics Relativity Joke
Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lie on the floor in a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Chemistry: Humour, Funny Jokes and Stories
You may be a chemist if you can't stand the expression: 'A watched pot never boils'.
It should be 'A watched pot and an unwatched pot boil at EXACTLY the same rate.'
Sodium Nonsense
I was looking for sodium on the periodic table, but then it told me it was Na (Not Available!!)
'Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium: Batman.'
What does this sodium sodium gibberish mean. Think of the batman signature tune: Na na na na na na na!

Clean Jokes Jokes for Kids That are Really Funny in English In Hindi To Tell In Urdu Knock Knock Tagalog